quotes by Graham Chapman

"You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians."
— Graham Chapman

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again..."
— Graham Chapman

"Tis but a scratch!"

"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

"Then what's that?"

"Oh come on, pansy!"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot."
— Graham Chapman

""An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition... A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says."

"No, it's not...""
— Graham Chapman

"We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"One, two, ... five!"
"Three, my lord."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition..."
— Graham Chapman

"I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"A murderer is only an extroverted suicide."
— Graham Chapman

"Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Bring out... The Comfy Chair!!!!"
— Graham Chapman

"Spam, spam, spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam."
— Graham Chapman

"In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python's Flying Circus)

"Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.
"
— Graham Chapman

"When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"I fart in your general direction."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"She turned me into a newt.
... But I got better..."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Camelot is a silly place."
— Graham Chapman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before ... "
— Graham Chapman

"Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?"
— Graham Chapman

"Always look on the bright side of life."
— Graham Chapman (Life Of Brian Screenplay)

"I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am."
— Graham Chapman (The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus; All the Words Volume One)

"Matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia."
— Graham Chapman (The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus : All the Words, Volume 2)

"Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari-land, where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls and whiskey wash away the worries of a world-weary whicker, where gin and tonics jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning with J?"
— Graham Chapman