"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
— Bill Watterson

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
— Bill Watterson (The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book)

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
— Bill Watterson

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
— Bill Watterson

"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
— Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)

"Calvin: You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes: What mood is that?
Calvin: Last-minute panic."
— Bill Watterson

"I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"CALVIN:
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?

When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny.

Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

HOBBES:
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life."
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin (to Suzy)- You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!"
— Bill Watterson

"You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different."
— Bill Watterson

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?

Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.

Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.

Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
— Bill Watterson

"Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?

Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."

Calvin: Academia, here I come!"
— Bill Watterson (Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat)

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
— Bill Watterson

"I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"HOBBES:Do you think there's a God?
CALVIN:Well, somebody's out to get me!"
— Bill Watterson

"I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius."
— Bill Watterson

"I'm learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework...procrastinating and negotiation."
— Bill Watterson

"I'd hate to have a kid like me."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. "
— Bill Watterson

"Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? "
— Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)

"I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?"
— Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes: Sunday Pages 1985-1995)

"Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]

Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!"
— Bill Watterson

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."
— Bill Watterson

"CALVIN:
This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery?

If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it?

And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?

HOBBES:
I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?

CALVIN:
Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God."
— Bill Watterson

"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
— Bill Watterson

"I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction."
— Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)

"Calvin: Look, a dead bird!
Hobbes: It must've hit a window.
Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up.
Hobbes: No doubt."
— Bill Watterson (There's Treasure Everywhere)

"Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around."
— Bill Watterson

"Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new!
A new year...a fresh clean start !It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy...let's go exploring!"
— Bill Watterson (It's A Magical World)

"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
— Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."
— Bill Watterson (It's A Magical World)

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night."
— Bill Watterson

"God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die."
— Bill Watterson

"[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.]
Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box!
Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel!
Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that!
Hobbes: I'm looking it up.
Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js!
Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB?
Calvin: 957."
— Bill Watterson (Scientific Progress Goes Boink)

"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
— Bill Watterson (Weirdos from Another Planet)

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."
— Bill Watterson

"CALVIN:
When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment."
— Bill Watterson

"I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world."
— Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)

"I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

"How come we play war and not peace?"
"Too few role models."
— Bill Watterson

"From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in."
— Bill Watterson (Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat)

"If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life."
— Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes)

"(writing, after being asked to explain Newton's First Law of Motion "in his own words"): Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. (speaking) I love loopholes."
— Bill Watterson (There's Treasure Everywhere)

"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
— Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)