Bill Watterson > Quotes

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”
― Bill Watterson

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
― Bill Watterson, The Calvin And Hobbes: Tenth Anniversary Book

“I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
― Bill Watterson

“You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.”
― Bill Watterson

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
― Bill Watterson

“As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different.”
― Bill Watterson

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
― Bill Watterson

“There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
― Bill Watterson

“You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help.”
― Bill Watterson

“I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius.”
― Bill Watterson

“In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
― Bill Watterson

“CALVIN:
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?

When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny.

Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

HOBBES:
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.”
― Bill Watterson

“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.”
― Bill Watterson

“Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes: Sunday Pages 1985-1995

“That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
― Bill Watterson, Weirdos from Another Planet

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”
― Bill Watterson

“I'm learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework...procrastinating and negotiation.”
― Bill Watterson

“Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

“I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. ”
― Bill Watterson

“Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”
― Bill Watterson

“God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.”
― Bill Watterson

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
― Bill Watterson

“I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin And Hobbes

“I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.”
― Bill Watterson

“Hobbes: Do you think there's a God?
Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!”
― Bill Watterson

“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? ”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin And Hobbes

“CALVIN:
This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery?
If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it?
And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?
HOBBES:
I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?
CALVIN:
Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.”
― Bill Watterson

“Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new!
A new year...a fresh clean start !It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy...let's go exploring!”
― Bill Watterson, It's a Magical World

“Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.”
― Bill Watterson

“I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”
― Bill Watterson, It's a Magical World

“They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.”
― Bill Watterson

“I'd hate to have a kid like me.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin And Hobbes

“Calvin: Look, a dead bird!
Hobbes: It must've hit a window.
Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up.
Hobbes: No doubt.”
― Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere

“From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!”
― Bill Watterson

“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.”
― Bill Watterson

“I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.”
― Bill Watterson

“I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

“Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?”
― Bill Watterson

“Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin And Hobbes

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes