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Eddie Izzard Eddie Izzard > Quotes


Eddie Izzard quotes (showing 1-30 of 41)

“They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.”
Eddie Izzard
“But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
Eddie Izzard, Glorious
“Cake or death?”
Eddie Izzard
“What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!”
Eddie Izzard
“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”
Eddie Izzard
“Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.”
Eddie Izzard
“I want to live till I die. No more, no less.”
Eddie Izzard
“This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.”
Eddie Izzard
“Have you got a flag?”
Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill
“I am an evil Giraffe.”
Eddie Izzard
tags: humor
“We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!”
Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill
“If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder.

So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.”
Eddie Izzard
“Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!”
Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill
“Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!”
Eddie Izzard, Definite Article
“We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?”
Eddie Izzard
“Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”
Eddie Izzard
“If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.”
Eddie Izzard
“You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.”
Eddie Izzard
“I'm covered in bees!”
Eddie Izzard
tags: bees
“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”
Eddie Izzard
“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
Eddie Izzard
“This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.”
Eddie Izzard
“They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.”
Eddie Izzard
“I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.”
Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill
“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”
Eddie Izzard
“Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!
Eddie Izzard, Definite Article
“Cake and tea or death?”
Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill
tags: humor
“You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
Eddie Izzard
“Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
Eddie Izzard
“And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.”
Eddie Izzard

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