quotes by Erma Bombeck

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
— Erma Bombeck

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"
— Erma Bombeck

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
"
— Erma Bombeck

"Housework can kill you if done right."
— Erma Bombeck

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "
— Erma Bombeck

"When humor goes, there goes civilization.
"
— Erma Bombeck

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."
— Erma Bombeck

"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what."
— Erma Bombeck

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
— Erma Bombeck

"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?""
— Erma Bombeck

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."
— Erma Bombeck

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
— Erma Bombeck

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "
— Erma Bombeck

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
"
— Erma Bombeck

"IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculped like a rose before it melted
in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more
while watching life.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realising that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's"

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . .
look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back."
— Erma Bombeck

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
"
— Erma Bombeck

""Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.""
— Erma Bombeck

"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.


"
— Erma Bombeck

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
— Erma Bombeck

""I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.""
— Erma Bombeck