"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
— Spike Milligan

"Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. "
— Spike Milligan

""All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"
— Spike Milligan

"I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
— Spike Milligan

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
"
— Spike Milligan

"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. "
— Spike Milligan

""A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush""
— Spike Milligan

" "What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
"A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
"Is a tall bag of cheese
Plus a Chinaman's knees
And the leg of a nanny goat's eye"
— Spike Milligan

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
— Spike Milligan

"The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life."
— Spike Milligan (Puckoon)

"'Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.'"
— Spike Milligan (Puckoon)

"A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior"
— Spike Milligan (The Essential Spike Milligan)

"Pakistani Dalek: Put him in the cur-ry"
— Spike Milligan (The Essential Spike Milligan)

"'Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it'"
— Spike Milligan