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Jeff Dunham quotes (showing 1-27 of 27)

“Silence! I kill you!”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff: So?
Peanut: We're in hell! ”
Jeff Dunham
“So Achmed if you've been in my suitcase this entire time how have you been getting through security? Oh thats easy they open the suitcase and i say 'ello my name is lindey lohan!”
Jeff Dunham
“Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff: What would you do?
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!
Walter: Have a nice day!”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?
Peanut: Yes we had a great day!
Jose: No we did not.
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No we did not have a good day.
Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!
What?
Jeff: Did you have a good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: A good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.
Peanut: I took him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. ”
Jeff Dunham
“WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com ”
Jeff Dunham
tags: humor
“Jef-f, Dun-Ham, dot com!!”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff-did you guys have a good day?
Jose-no
Jeff-why
Jose-he got my stick jammed in the car door
Jeff-what?did you say sorry
Jose- no
Jeff- why didn't you say sorry
Jose- cause he couldn't breath
Jeff-why couldn't he breath
Jose- cause he was laughing to hard”
Jeff Dunham
“Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!”
Jeff Dunham
“Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me! ”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff: You know most people who've had near death experiances say they say a white light. What did you see?

Akmed: I saw flying car parts!


Jeff: What was the last thing that went through your mind?


Akmed: My ass. But I saw a blue Prius! Is it true you have one of those? Did you know that if your driving down the highway in a Prius and you stick your hand out the window the car will turn?!”
Jeff Dunham
“PENUT:and when you really think about its jef-f-f Dunham
JEFF: F-F
PENUT:your using an unneeded F
Jef-f-f Dun- Ham. com!!!!!
Am i pissing you of-f-f????? Jef-f-f Dun Ham.com
PENUT: you know the wierd thing is i am actually pissing him off!!!and he would like to kill me
JEFF:no i wouldn't
PENUT:yes
JEFF:no
PENUT:assert you fellings Jef-f-f”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light.”
Jeff Dunham
“Achmed 'Two Jews walk into a bar'
No no no no no' Jeff
You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard' Achmed"
-Achmed the dead terrorist and Jeff”
Jeff Dunham
“jose jaliopinio on a stick" do you like bmw's (big mexican weman)”
Jeff Dunham
“Peanut: Too much starbucks coffee, coffee, coffee!
Jeff: You didn't have coffee before the show!
Peanut: I admit it was crack.
Jeff: You didn't do crack
Peanut: Then you did! It feels like one of us did!
Peanut: Don't you do crack?
Jeff: No! I'VE NEVER DONE CRACK!
Peanut: Alright. I admit Jeff does not abuse drugs. He's an alcoholic.”
Jeff Dunham
“Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?


Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um.”
Jeff Dunham
“Peanut: Come here puppet boy... make your daddy talk!”
Jeff Dunham
“Walter: Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?
Jeff: Yeah.
Walter: Oh well!”
Jeff Dunham
“You're the other white meat!”
Jeff Dunham
“Jose: Do not drop me senor
Jeff:i wont drop you,jose
Jose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floor
Peanut:do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
Jeff:Thats terrible!
Peanut:not with the right chips its not
Jeff:stop it! im sorry jose
jose:its okay
jeff: okay
Jose:ill kick his ass later
peanut:i'll turn ur ass into guacamole
jeff: stop it!
peanut: i will stir u with ur own stick!
jeff:stop it!
peanut: this is the way we stir the guac stir the guac stir the guac. OLE!!”
Jeff Dunham
tags: funny
“That afternoon I ordered an information packet.”
Jeff Dunham
“Achmed: Two Jews walk into a bar...
Jeff: No no no no no
Achmed: You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.”
Jeff Dunham
“Shut up or i'll kill you by Achmed the dead tarries.”
Jeff Dunham
“Jeff- "A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you'd like to add, Walter?"

Walter- "Accept Jesus as your Savior or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity.”
Jeff Dunham


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