"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl)

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl)

"If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"Good. Illegal is always faster. (Butler, Artemis Fowl's bodygaurd)"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception)

"I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl Boxed Set)

"'Hey, look - your *girlfriend* is saying something.'
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? "
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

""Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient."
(Artemis Fowl)"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl)

""I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal." (Holly Short)"
— Eoin Colfer (The Artemis Fowl Files)

"Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl 1-3.)

"You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue'"
— Eoin Colfer

"Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you."
— Eoin Colfer

"A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

""Who are you?" he asked.
"I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
--Artemis Fowl"
— Eoin Colfer (The Artemis Fowl Files)

"Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident)

"(about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"I don't like lollipops.

-Artemis Fowl Jr."
— Eoin Colfer

"If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

"No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

"D'Arvit!"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl 1-3.)

"I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ...ah...butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, aderringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun greanades concealed in variouse pockets. Anything else, Butler?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl)

""(to Spiro) And one more thing. About my name - Artemis - you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

""Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.

-Artemis Fowl"
— Eoin Colfer

"What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

"I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared."
— Eoin Colfer

"I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist and that I am not a gibbering moron."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl El Mundo Subterraneo / Artemis Fowl)

"Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine Yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."

Myles: "In Paris"

Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"

Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"

Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."

Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"

Beckett: "Itchy what?""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

""I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
"Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
-Holly Short"
— Eoin Colfer

""Relax, Mr. Diggums. Have another nettle beer, or some spring water." The commander took two bottles from the cooler and offered one to Mulch.
Mulch studied the label. "Derrier? No thanks. You know how they put the bubbles in this stuff?"
Vinyaya's mouth twitched with the ghost of a smile. "I thought it was naturally carbonated."
"Yeah, that's what I thought until I got a prison job at the Derrier plant. They employ every dwarf in the Deeps. They made us sign confidentiality contracts."
Vinyaya was hooked. "So go on, tell me. How do they get the bubbles in?"
Mulch tapped his nose. "Can't say. Breach of contract. All I can say is it involves a huge vat of water and several dwarfs using our ...eh" Mulch pointed to his rear end-"... natural talents."
Vinyaya gingerly replaced her bottle.
-Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony "
— Eoin Colfer

"If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void."
— Eoin Colfer

"Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian?

-Artemis Fowl"
— Eoin Colfer

"She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

-Artemis Fowl"
— Eoin Colfer

"No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order ? la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"We're being lead with an
Idiot with a crayon."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.

-Holly Short"
— Eoin Colfer

"Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

"Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over"
— Eoin Colfer

"Hey, Mulch, if you listen really hard you can just make out the sound of nobody giving a hoot. From what I saw, you were living pretty well on LEP gold.

Holly Short"
— Eoin Colfer

"i never tell anyone how smart i am, they would be to scared. "
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

""That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
"But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."
"I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
"Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you.

Commander Julius Root"
— Eoin Colfer

"Artemis simple-toon"
— Eoin Colfer

"Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building."
— Eoin Colfer

"Lollipop!"
— Eoin Colfer