"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

"To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition."
— Woody Allen

"life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
— Woody Allen

"It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel."
— Woody Allen

"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."
— Woody Allen

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it by not dying."
— Woody Allen

"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
— Woody Allen

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
— Woody Allen

"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."
— Woody Allen

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
— Woody Allen

"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."
— Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
— Woody Allen

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
— Woody Allen

"If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
— Woody Allen

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
— Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
— Woody Allen

"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."
— Woody Allen

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
— Woody Allen

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
— Woody Allen

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."
— Woody Allen

"Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with."
— Woody Allen

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
— Woody Allen

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."
— Woody Allen

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
— Woody Allen

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
— Woody Allen

"A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio."
— Woody Allen

"I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member."
— Woody Allen

"I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social."
— Woody Allen

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!"
— Woody Allen

"I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba."
— Woody Allen

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
— Woody Allen

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
— Woody Allen

"I can levitate birds. No one cares."
— Woody Allen

"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
— Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
— Woody Allen

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."
— Woody Allen

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
— Woody Allen

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
— Woody Allen

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
— Woody Allen

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
— Woody Allen

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
— Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

"I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier."
— Woody Allen

"We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more"
— Woody Allen

"You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past."
— Woody Allen

"Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym."
— Woody Allen

"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."
— Woody Allen

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
— Woody Allen

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."
— Woody Allen

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
— Woody Allen